"I hope all is going well".
How the hell can anything be going well when I still don't have employment since April? How the hell can anything be going well when he is not paying, with his promise to me to do so when I signed that damn dotted line in 2001, on a consolidated student loan, He demanded we consolidate with his and my student loans - "To thank you for supporting me while I went to school and you worked while I didn't. It is what I should do to repay you for all of that." I was too afraid not to sign due to his prior violence. Said loan being over $200K now. He now has his Bachelor's degree while all I have is an Associate degree that I struggled to get while he was not working - reason I had to take out loans in the first place, on top of working myself.
Tuesday, December 27, 2016
Tuesday, February 9, 2016
Struggling, but have not lost my Faith!
Much has happened since my last post from summer, 2012. Too much to write all in one post now. Prominently weighing heavy on my heart today: three years ago today, I lost my mother to cancer/stroke. Since that day, my life has not been the same. I struggle with losing her daily. Depression weighs heavy though I must carry on with my life. It is exacerbated by now not having her, or my father. Orphaned at the age of 44. I am now 47 and it is, for some reason, not getting easier. Dad was 46, Mom 65. Today, I am also seeking new employment. In October, 2015, I was notified that my position is being eliminated due to the 3rd party vendor coming in early in 2015, that would now be doing the majority of my current work. Therefore, my experience/loyalty for the past 10 years will no longer be needed/appreciated. Separation date is set for March 31, 2016. I have had a couple of interviews and have another Thursday. I pray one comes to fruition soon. The first interview could have resulted in an offer, however they could not come close to my minimum salary requirement. I could not afford to take a $10,000 cut in pay to accept that position! I have a daughter graduating from college in May, and those co-signed loans will be coming due quickly!
Through all of this, and despite the depression, I cling to my faith. I have hope that my Father, who art in Heaven, will pick me up as He always has, and rescue me from these recent blows. He has never failed me, and I know He will not this time either. I pray I walk through the right door, the one He wants me to walk through. The door that will finally lead to a bigger breakthrough in my finances. I pray that I would use that breakthrough in finances wisely, not foolishly. Very heavy financial burdens that have been lingering since before my divorce (finalized nearly 13 years ago) need to be resolved.
Through all of this, and despite the depression, I cling to my faith. I have hope that my Father, who art in Heaven, will pick me up as He always has, and rescue me from these recent blows. He has never failed me, and I know He will not this time either. I pray I walk through the right door, the one He wants me to walk through. The door that will finally lead to a bigger breakthrough in my finances. I pray that I would use that breakthrough in finances wisely, not foolishly. Very heavy financial burdens that have been lingering since before my divorce (finalized nearly 13 years ago) need to be resolved.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Important Notes to My Self
- Be kind to, and love, self
- Do NOT be a doormat to anyone
- NEVER allow self to be where you were December 31, 2002
- Cherish good memories
- Forget the bad things from your past, using them only to learn from, and not repeat them
- Fight the spirit of depression, and tell it to "GO!", in Jesus's name
- Fight the spirit of loneliness, and tell it to "GO!", in Jesus's name
- Fight any other bad spirits and tell them to "GO!", in Jesus's name
- Forgive those who have intentionally, or unintentionally, hurt you
- Love all, even your enemies
- Pray for all, even your enemies
- Continue learning
- Pray, pray, pray
- Read more Scripture
- Listen to the Holy Spirit
- Obey direction from God
- Recognize distractions and do NOT allow them to take you off the path
- Know who you are in God's eyes
- Nevermind what others think of you
- Seek God's face
- Continually work on relationship with God
- Worship, worship, worship
- Pray, pray, pray (yes - need to do this always)
- Continue to hope
- Never give up on hope
- Excercise FAITH
- Know your purpose and walk out your destiny
- Remember that God's plans are for your ultimate good, no matter the current circumstance
- Remember every time the enemy attacked and lost, God blessed you and made you stronger!
- Embrace, and accept, your singleness
- Move on....
Written July 18, 2012 - Renee
Monday, July 9, 2012
God-Fearing Women & Man's Search for Such a Woman
"A God-fearing woman has Jesus as her first priority. She knows that doing God's will for her life is more important than doing what she wants to do. She is blessed by God and the favor of God is upon her life. She refuses to live beneath her privilege as a child of the King because she knows her worth. God has blessed her with everything she needs to fulfill her role as a child of God." Quoted from Women of Christian Faith on Facebook. Picture quote from same source.
Not so recently, I have come across more people than not who take God-fearing in the wrong context, believing it is as though God is to be feared as any human would be feared. Not the case. God-fearing, at least to me, is knowing that God has the final judgment in where we will spend eternity - in Heaven or in hell. From the movie, "The Lion, the Witch & the Wardrobe", the beaver says that "Aslan (God) is not safe, yet He is good." We are to have a sound mind & keep our temples clean, & remember that the only way to Heaven is through Jesus Christ. It is a daily struggle to fight our own mind battle, our own flesh, worldly temptations, satan & his minions. It takes much faith to believe in things we cannot see, & to accept that sometimes the answer to our prayers is "maybe" or "no" - that it will not look the way we want it to look, but His way. I have Jesus as my first priority. Nothing, & no one will ever trump Him. My relationship with Him is the most important relationship of my life here & for eternity. I feel blessed by God & believe I have the favor of God upon my life. Looking back on everything I have been through, His handprint is on absolutely everything - good, bad & ugly. Everything that was meant for my harm He turned to blessings/victory. I deserve nothing more than to be treated by a man as He treats me - like a Princess... a Proverbs 31 woman. I read a book a couple of years ago, "Jesus, Mean & Wild". Great book & highly recommended for those who have the mindset that He was only meek, mild, & tame. Though God is wild & not to be tamed, or put in a box, He is still good - He loves us so much He gave His very life for us as Jesus on the cross, & allows us to choose to accept His Spirit to dwell in our hearts.
Friday, July 6, 2012
Short Version? of My Testimony
Life's struggles are many. When accepting Jesus, they do not get easier, they actually get harder. There is a force, named satan, who wants to steal, destroy & ultimately kill us. The closer we get to God, the harder he will fight. This enemy though - with everything he throws at me, God blesses me with something greater. For that which is meant for harm, God turns to good.
It feels like my entire life I have been fighting to keep myself from selling out. As my walk with Jesus has been difficult. I first accepted Jesus into my life when I was 13.
Then, at 16, I was in a car accident that "should have" killed me. I was the passenger. Cracked the windshield (saw it cracking), slammed into the seat like a pancake, and hit in the back of the head with a full-sized spare tire which also had a rim in it. Technically, the engine should have been in the front seat with the force of impact. When my uncle assisted my father in removing the engine from the car, he said there was no way it should not have been so. The passenger side of the car was shoved back at least six inches, rendering the car totalled. I was not admitted to the hospital from the ER. Less than 24 hours later, when I lifted my head it felt like it was splitting open like a coconut shell when it is split. I was then deathly sick, and so weak I could not move. I was rushed to the children's hospital ER, had blocks of ice placed on either side of my head and was admitted. I was in a room alone at the ready to be taken into surgery. Probably to have fluid drained, or some other type of thing. Never was told, so don't know for certain. I do know I was terribly alone and scared. My mother could not visit. She was sitting home with a fractured rib and my father was working and doing his best to take care of my younger brother. I was in the hospital for a week, and still they did not want to release me. To this day, I feel residual affects from this accident.
That same year I lost my cousin, her new husband & both of his parents, to a very tragic accident.
At 18, I married the first man who came into my life after only knowing him for six months. My father could not stand him, however I was blinded and did not see him for who he was. I met him at church - how could he be anything but good? Four months after I married him, I lost our first child two months into the pregnancy. One month later, I lost my grandmother to cancer. Less than two years later, I would lose my father to cancer.
Back to the husband. After my father died, the real abuse started. I wasn't cognizant of the verbal abuse that was already started. My first daughter was born slightly less than two years prior to my father's death. When I found I was pregnant, my husband took me to Planned Parenthood. I thought we were going to get advice on what to do during the pregnancy, etc. Found out he wanted me to terminate the pregnancy because "we were too young, had no money, and were not ready for a child" - "the child would ruin the 'fun' of our marriage". I refused to have an abortion. She was born. Gift from God. Name I insisted on giving her meaning "Princess consecrated to God". Now I know why - she does not want anything to do with me. I know she is God's child and is being protected.
After my father died, we fought more and more. One day, which I already wrote about and posted, he hit me in the chest three times with all of the force he had in him. It absolutely took my breath away. Two days later, I walked (did not have a car) to the ER which must have been two miles away. They gave me two breathing treatments and called the police. They wanted me to press charges. I, in my fear, declined.
He apologized, and then it happened again, and again. I repeatedly refused to do anything about it. I did not see the cycle of abuse happening repeatedly.
After six years, I felt alone even though I was married. I ended up meeting another man. He paid attention to me, made me feel loved. I had an affair with him. Lasted less than two weeks - I could not take the guilt and shame, so confessed. Repented and put under the blood of Jesus. My husband went ballistic. I thought the abuse had been bad before. It only escalated. We had angry "make-up intercourse" that night. Stayed together. Found out I was pregnant. Well, since we didn't know if it was his or this other man's, he became irate. He pushed me off of the bed and I fell hard. The next day I fell in the back hallway at work and started bleeding. Lost the baby, and almost lost my own life from hemorraging. Told to wait to have another child. Never waited. He was so angry I had to put out constantly. Sexual abuse. God provided me with another gift out of all of this hell I was going through though. Nine months later, I would have another beautiful girl. Name meaning "graceful and free".
After sixteen years of physical, sexual, and emotional abuse, I lost my only living grandfather. That was the straw that broke the camel's back. I decided to end my life. I decided I was not worth the air I breathed, but was not going to die at his hands. I would rather take my own life. I locked myself in the bathroom upstairs. Decided to take some pills. As I sat there, I heard a voice "What about your children?" I was struck by the fact that I was alone in this room, noone outside the door - I looked - yep alone. Heard it again "What about your children?" louder this time. Still, I wasn't sure. The third time booming "What about your children?" I knew it was God. He then told me to go downstairs and tell my husband to get out of the house - to go live with his mother. His Spirit must have been in me as I would not have normally taken this type of action. Instead I would cower and not take action. Under His strength, I obeyed. It took a month, but he finally left.
The enemy killed my marriage, and stole my older daughter from me. Yet, I am alive, in another state. I have my younger daughter and we are doing well.
I rededicated my life to Jesus on my birthday in 2003. He opened my eyes to the second abusive relationship I had entered into. After living in a domestic violence shelter for six weeks during that fourteen month stint, it ended. God opened the door and gave me a place to live for six months rent free. I am now in another place seven years later, entering a new chapter in my life. My daughter will be attending college in the fall.
I do not know what the future holds for me personally, but I know that God is in it, and He will make it for my good, not my harm. I will still have battles to fight - I am fighting one now. I decided I am tired of being alone and that He has someone out there for me. And, he does. I am just waiting. I will wait. I have waited eight years. If I have to wait eight more, or even longer, I will. Faith and hope is what I live on. One day at a time as that is all we are given.
I have a relationship with Jesus that grows daily. Every thing that does not kill me, and every pain endured, or hurt suffered, only makes me stronger. I draw on my strength from Jesus. When I am at my very weakest, He comes in and makes me strong.
Written July 5, 2012
It feels like my entire life I have been fighting to keep myself from selling out. As my walk with Jesus has been difficult. I first accepted Jesus into my life when I was 13.
Then, at 16, I was in a car accident that "should have" killed me. I was the passenger. Cracked the windshield (saw it cracking), slammed into the seat like a pancake, and hit in the back of the head with a full-sized spare tire which also had a rim in it. Technically, the engine should have been in the front seat with the force of impact. When my uncle assisted my father in removing the engine from the car, he said there was no way it should not have been so. The passenger side of the car was shoved back at least six inches, rendering the car totalled. I was not admitted to the hospital from the ER. Less than 24 hours later, when I lifted my head it felt like it was splitting open like a coconut shell when it is split. I was then deathly sick, and so weak I could not move. I was rushed to the children's hospital ER, had blocks of ice placed on either side of my head and was admitted. I was in a room alone at the ready to be taken into surgery. Probably to have fluid drained, or some other type of thing. Never was told, so don't know for certain. I do know I was terribly alone and scared. My mother could not visit. She was sitting home with a fractured rib and my father was working and doing his best to take care of my younger brother. I was in the hospital for a week, and still they did not want to release me. To this day, I feel residual affects from this accident.
That same year I lost my cousin, her new husband & both of his parents, to a very tragic accident.
At 18, I married the first man who came into my life after only knowing him for six months. My father could not stand him, however I was blinded and did not see him for who he was. I met him at church - how could he be anything but good? Four months after I married him, I lost our first child two months into the pregnancy. One month later, I lost my grandmother to cancer. Less than two years later, I would lose my father to cancer.
Back to the husband. After my father died, the real abuse started. I wasn't cognizant of the verbal abuse that was already started. My first daughter was born slightly less than two years prior to my father's death. When I found I was pregnant, my husband took me to Planned Parenthood. I thought we were going to get advice on what to do during the pregnancy, etc. Found out he wanted me to terminate the pregnancy because "we were too young, had no money, and were not ready for a child" - "the child would ruin the 'fun' of our marriage". I refused to have an abortion. She was born. Gift from God. Name I insisted on giving her meaning "Princess consecrated to God". Now I know why - she does not want anything to do with me. I know she is God's child and is being protected.
After my father died, we fought more and more. One day, which I already wrote about and posted, he hit me in the chest three times with all of the force he had in him. It absolutely took my breath away. Two days later, I walked (did not have a car) to the ER which must have been two miles away. They gave me two breathing treatments and called the police. They wanted me to press charges. I, in my fear, declined.
He apologized, and then it happened again, and again. I repeatedly refused to do anything about it. I did not see the cycle of abuse happening repeatedly.
After six years, I felt alone even though I was married. I ended up meeting another man. He paid attention to me, made me feel loved. I had an affair with him. Lasted less than two weeks - I could not take the guilt and shame, so confessed. Repented and put under the blood of Jesus. My husband went ballistic. I thought the abuse had been bad before. It only escalated. We had angry "make-up intercourse" that night. Stayed together. Found out I was pregnant. Well, since we didn't know if it was his or this other man's, he became irate. He pushed me off of the bed and I fell hard. The next day I fell in the back hallway at work and started bleeding. Lost the baby, and almost lost my own life from hemorraging. Told to wait to have another child. Never waited. He was so angry I had to put out constantly. Sexual abuse. God provided me with another gift out of all of this hell I was going through though. Nine months later, I would have another beautiful girl. Name meaning "graceful and free".
After sixteen years of physical, sexual, and emotional abuse, I lost my only living grandfather. That was the straw that broke the camel's back. I decided to end my life. I decided I was not worth the air I breathed, but was not going to die at his hands. I would rather take my own life. I locked myself in the bathroom upstairs. Decided to take some pills. As I sat there, I heard a voice "What about your children?" I was struck by the fact that I was alone in this room, noone outside the door - I looked - yep alone. Heard it again "What about your children?" louder this time. Still, I wasn't sure. The third time booming "What about your children?" I knew it was God. He then told me to go downstairs and tell my husband to get out of the house - to go live with his mother. His Spirit must have been in me as I would not have normally taken this type of action. Instead I would cower and not take action. Under His strength, I obeyed. It took a month, but he finally left.
The enemy killed my marriage, and stole my older daughter from me. Yet, I am alive, in another state. I have my younger daughter and we are doing well.
I rededicated my life to Jesus on my birthday in 2003. He opened my eyes to the second abusive relationship I had entered into. After living in a domestic violence shelter for six weeks during that fourteen month stint, it ended. God opened the door and gave me a place to live for six months rent free. I am now in another place seven years later, entering a new chapter in my life. My daughter will be attending college in the fall.
I do not know what the future holds for me personally, but I know that God is in it, and He will make it for my good, not my harm. I will still have battles to fight - I am fighting one now. I decided I am tired of being alone and that He has someone out there for me. And, he does. I am just waiting. I will wait. I have waited eight years. If I have to wait eight more, or even longer, I will. Faith and hope is what I live on. One day at a time as that is all we are given.
I have a relationship with Jesus that grows daily. Every thing that does not kill me, and every pain endured, or hurt suffered, only makes me stronger. I draw on my strength from Jesus. When I am at my very weakest, He comes in and makes me strong.
Written July 5, 2012
Friday, March 2, 2012
Reflecting
Reflecting again on blessings and the incredible grace of God that has brought me to where I am today, and looking forward. Faithfully paid employment, my book process that has to actually start soon (should have drafted already...oh well, that's another story of procrastination and busyness), jewelry designing, family, friends, daughter's college choices, life in general.
The relationship I have with Jesus is extremely precious to me. The Lord's hand has been on my life, and my daughter's, always. I have gone through many trials and come out triumphant. Only because of Him. Without Him, I am nothing. I glorify His name and am on a journey to carry out the purpose He has given me to purpose. To put forth His will on this earth. I have been slow about getting there, however have the desire in my heart to move forward. 2012 has to bring me closer to the goal.
Lord God, touch me tonight and give me dreams and visions for what to do next. I only want what You want for my life. Nothing more, nothing less. You are the Divine Healer, Provider, etc. I draw from You and will work for Your Kingdom. Amen!
The relationship I have with Jesus is extremely precious to me. The Lord's hand has been on my life, and my daughter's, always. I have gone through many trials and come out triumphant. Only because of Him. Without Him, I am nothing. I glorify His name and am on a journey to carry out the purpose He has given me to purpose. To put forth His will on this earth. I have been slow about getting there, however have the desire in my heart to move forward. 2012 has to bring me closer to the goal.
Lord God, touch me tonight and give me dreams and visions for what to do next. I only want what You want for my life. Nothing more, nothing less. You are the Divine Healer, Provider, etc. I draw from You and will work for Your Kingdom. Amen!
Friday, February 17, 2012
Just Thinking...
Today, I am just thinking of where I need to be moving in my life. I am in a good place career-wise. Not exactly the career I thought I would be in, however at least I have one. Blessed in this area. I have actually been thinking of the blessings bestowed upon me, even with my shortcomings when it comes to obeying my Father. All of the small things daily that are taken for granted at times after all of the seemingly larger things that occur to throw me off balance.
My shortcoming in obedience comes from knowing that I am to reach out to multitudes of women who are abused by their husbands or boyfriends by writing my life story of abuse and how I overcame it with my Father's help. I could not have accomplished what I have without Him.
I feel that I struggle with writing more than I used to. Feeling inadequate in this area even though I am told by many that my writing is a gift that I have been given, and I need to use it for His purpose. There is always something else to do, somewhere to go, or any other multitude of excuses that I can come up with.
My shortcoming in obedience comes from knowing that I am to reach out to multitudes of women who are abused by their husbands or boyfriends by writing my life story of abuse and how I overcame it with my Father's help. I could not have accomplished what I have without Him.
I feel that I struggle with writing more than I used to. Feeling inadequate in this area even though I am told by many that my writing is a gift that I have been given, and I need to use it for His purpose. There is always something else to do, somewhere to go, or any other multitude of excuses that I can come up with.
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