Well, it is now June 2011. I have written nothing since March. Why? Because I have buried myself in my mess, my past, everything bad. Internalized everything to the point that it is going to kill me if I do nothing with it, or about it. I need to arise and get out of the past, resolve my mess, and find myself again. I need to do this in order to get to my purpose of writing and helping other women heal from their messes. I have been reading a book, "Lioness Arising" by Lisa Bevere. A very moving book and a book that is beginning to kick my behind. Now if I can just get beyond my current mess, I will be able to act.
Current mess is getting beyond myself and my haunting past. Abuse, especially verbal, really does take time to process and heal through. I can only do it with my Jesus. He is the only One who will truly listen to the pain and tears and fill the gaps and the void that is left by the horrific words that don't seem to go away. There always seems to be something that triggers another memory of what the person said and seems to render it true. Others may pretend to listen, but if one has not been in it before, and even if one has, it is a little difficult to fully understand the impact it has on one's life. When I call out to my Father in Heaven, He listens and brings comfort that no other person could ever fulfill.
I recognize fully the abuse I took as a wife, but have been digging further and understand just a bit more why I ended up in that mess in the first place. I went looking for love in the wrong place. I knew God even then, however put Him on the back burner for what I thought would replace what I felt was lacking from my childhood home. This is my way of understanding where I am and not dwelling in the past, but using it to move into my future. A future which God promised me would be good, not bad.
My life verse is Jeremiah 29:11 "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" (NIV) and in The Message version 10-11 "This is God's Word on the subject: 'As soon as Babylon's seventy years are up and not a day before, I'll show up and take care of you as I promised and bring you back home. I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out -- plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.'"
This is the verse that gets me through each day. Without it, I may end up back where I was around eight years ago now. When I wanted to end my own life because I felt I was the failure and cause of all of my marital problems and why I could not get this man to love me the way I understood love to be. I had it right. The Bible says a man should love a woman as himself. This would mean that he would not strike her, nor say things to her that would be hurtful. Why would a man, or woman for that matter, want to inflict themselves with pain, internal or external? I so do not want to go back there. And, I WILL NOT!
Anyway, this is all I have for today. This is my beginning of moving forward. Writing...something on the page to get more motivated. Getting these things out rather than keeping them inside to fester. My Father wants me to confess the truth, and I plan on doing that. Truth exposes lies. Lies are abundant on this Earth and need exposed in order to die.
Speaking LIFE abundant over anyone who reads this post. And, if you are in an abusive situation, even moreso. Do NOT give up. Put your hope in Jesus and cling to His Word. It is full of overflowing grace and mercy. Life Giving Water.
-Warrior for God
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