Life's struggles are many. When accepting Jesus, they do not get easier, they actually get harder. There is a force, named satan, who wants to steal, destroy & ultimately kill us. The closer we get to God, the harder he will fight. This enemy though - with everything he throws at me, God blesses me with something greater. For that which is meant for harm, God turns to good.
It feels like my entire life I have been fighting to keep myself from selling out. As my walk with Jesus has been difficult. I first accepted Jesus into my life when I was 13.
Then, at 16, I was in a car accident that "should have" killed me. I was the passenger. Cracked the windshield (saw it cracking), slammed into the seat like a pancake, and hit in the back of the head with a full-sized spare tire which also had a rim in it. Technically, the engine should have been in the front seat with the force of impact. When my uncle assisted my father in removing the engine from the car, he said there was no way it should not have been so. The passenger side of the car was shoved back at least six inches, rendering the car totalled. I was not admitted to the hospital from the ER. Less than 24 hours later, when I lifted my head it felt like it was splitting open like a coconut shell when it is split. I was then deathly sick, and so weak I could not move. I was rushed to the children's hospital ER, had blocks of ice placed on either side of my head and was admitted. I was in a room alone at the ready to be taken into surgery. Probably to have fluid drained, or some other type of thing. Never was told, so don't know for certain. I do know I was terribly alone and scared. My mother could not visit. She was sitting home with a fractured rib and my father was working and doing his best to take care of my younger brother. I was in the hospital for a week, and still they did not want to release me. To this day, I feel residual affects from this accident.
That same year I lost my cousin, her new husband & both of his parents, to a very tragic accident.
At 18, I married the first man who came into my life after only knowing him for six months. My father could not stand him, however I was blinded and did not see him for who he was. I met him at church - how could he be anything but good? Four months after I married him, I lost our first child two months into the pregnancy. One month later, I lost my grandmother to cancer. Less than two years later, I would lose my father to cancer.
Back to the husband. After my father died, the real abuse started. I wasn't cognizant of the verbal abuse that was already started. My first daughter was born slightly less than two years prior to my father's death. When I found I was pregnant, my husband took me to Planned Parenthood. I thought we were going to get advice on what to do during the pregnancy, etc. Found out he wanted me to terminate the pregnancy because "we were too young, had no money, and were not ready for a child" - "the child would ruin the 'fun' of our marriage". I refused to have an abortion. She was born. Gift from God. Name I insisted on giving her meaning "Princess consecrated to God". Now I know why - she does not want anything to do with me. I know she is God's child and is being protected.
After my father died, we fought more and more. One day, which I already wrote about and posted, he hit me in the chest three times with all of the force he had in him. It absolutely took my breath away. Two days later, I walked (did not have a car) to the ER which must have been two miles away. They gave me two breathing treatments and called the police. They wanted me to press charges. I, in my fear, declined.
He apologized, and then it happened again, and again. I repeatedly refused to do anything about it. I did not see the cycle of abuse happening repeatedly.
After six years, I felt alone even though I was married. I ended up meeting another man. He paid attention to me, made me feel loved. I had an affair with him. Lasted less than two weeks - I could not take the guilt and shame, so confessed. Repented and put under the blood of Jesus. My husband went ballistic. I thought the abuse had been bad before. It only escalated. We had angry "make-up intercourse" that night. Stayed together. Found out I was pregnant. Well, since we didn't know if it was his or this other man's, he became irate. He pushed me off of the bed and I fell hard. The next day I fell in the back hallway at work and started bleeding. Lost the baby, and almost lost my own life from hemorraging. Told to wait to have another child. Never waited. He was so angry I had to put out constantly. Sexual abuse. God provided me with another gift out of all of this hell I was going through though. Nine months later, I would have another beautiful girl. Name meaning "graceful and free".
After sixteen years of physical, sexual, and emotional abuse, I lost my only living grandfather. That was the straw that broke the camel's back. I decided to end my life. I decided I was not worth the air I breathed, but was not going to die at his hands. I would rather take my own life. I locked myself in the bathroom upstairs. Decided to take some pills. As I sat there, I heard a voice "What about your children?" I was struck by the fact that I was alone in this room, noone outside the door - I looked - yep alone. Heard it again "What about your children?" louder this time. Still, I wasn't sure. The third time booming "What about your children?" I knew it was God. He then told me to go downstairs and tell my husband to get out of the house - to go live with his mother. His Spirit must have been in me as I would not have normally taken this type of action. Instead I would cower and not take action. Under His strength, I obeyed. It took a month, but he finally left.
The enemy killed my marriage, and stole my older daughter from me. Yet, I am alive, in another state. I have my younger daughter and we are doing well.
I rededicated my life to Jesus on my birthday in 2003. He opened my eyes to the second abusive relationship I had entered into. After living in a domestic violence shelter for six weeks during that fourteen month stint, it ended. God opened the door and gave me a place to live for six months rent free. I am now in another place seven years later, entering a new chapter in my life. My daughter will be attending college in the fall.
I do not know what the future holds for me personally, but I know that God is in it, and He will make it for my good, not my harm. I will still have battles to fight - I am fighting one now. I decided I am tired of being alone and that He has someone out there for me. And, he does. I am just waiting. I will wait. I have waited eight years. If I have to wait eight more, or even longer, I will. Faith and hope is what I live on. One day at a time as that is all we are given.
I have a relationship with Jesus that grows daily. Every thing that does not kill me, and every pain endured, or hurt suffered, only makes me stronger. I draw on my strength from Jesus. When I am at my very weakest, He comes in and makes me strong.
Written July 5, 2012
